Lobo Takes On Lake Michigan

The great Lobotronics is mere days away from being a permanent city resident. As a preparatory course on not being a complete dick in the Second City, I brought him down a couple weeks ago to adapt to the atmosphere and attractions. Part of this unique experience was seeing Lake Michigan for the first time and boy was he excited! Or terrified. Or completely f*cking clueless.

Lobo, honey, if you are watching – mommy means this all in fun. Also, she is extremely proud that you are able to chillax without incident at River Shannon for hours on end. As I explained to you in the car ride down, that is a staple of city living. And part of mommy’s self-medicating behavior. Who wants a cookie!!

Eating My Way Through Near North Chicago

Oooh pretty fall picture!

Raise your hands if you’ve ever been on a food tour in Chicago… Shit. I can’t see your hands so this was an epic fail. Ok, well I have and I’m going to tell you about it because I have a blog and that’s what bloggers do, they write about shit and people read it and think “Oh wow, this blogger is all-wise and knowing and actually has great taste in shoes so if she says it, it must be true” and then I take over the world and everyone lives happily ever after. But really, I’m going to tell you about my food tour so strap in and shut up because this tale is epic.

The food tour I went on was done by Chicago Food Planet Food Tours. The tour started off at Ashkenaz Deli next to the Big Bowl on Cedar Street in the Gold Coast. I was skeptical at first – I didn’t know what to expect or how this worked. To be honest, I was expecting a lot of locals. Nay. There were people from all over, from Michigan to Indiana to Kansas. There were some suburbanites from Lake Zurich and anther couple from Uptown, so the blend was nice. Ok, back to food.

We began with delicious Reuben sandwiches at the deli. DELICIOUS. These Reubens were made with pastrami, though you can also make Reubens with corned beef. Did you know that? There’s a difference though! Corned beef and pastrami are both pickled; however, pastrami is then smoked and seasoned. Bam, bitches! Add in the special Russian dressing and you basically have an orgasm in front of 17 strangers. It’s all part of the experience.

The tea was delicious for this cool autumn day.

From there we journeyed onto Tea Gschwendner. I’m not a big tea drinker. To be honest, I usually funnel diet coke down my throat first thing in the morning and then affix some sort of caffeinated IV to my veins around noon. For some reason, I was inspired to drink tea this morning, and as I sit here sipping on the mixture from water and a Lipton tea bag, I wonder why the fuck I decided to eat rocks for breakfast. That’s right, rocks. Because on my food tour, I learned that tea bags are made from the bottom of the barrel tea remnants aka tea dust. This shit is for real, people, so pay attention. All those fancy tea leaves that REAL tea drinkers use, yea – those are top-of-the-barrel. The bags get what’s left at the very bottom, including dirt and rocks and probably some sort of animal feces (Ok, they didn’t say that last part on the tour but my mind is fucked. What do you want). One other point before I move on. To all you green tea snobs, shove it. Black tea is just as healthy for you. Yea, I said it.

The next part of the tour included a nice walk through the Gold Coast, complete with some architectural background and gossip. We buzzed past the original Playboy Mansion as well as the Florsheim Mansion. This place is something to pay attention to as it houses one of Chicago’s largest single malt scotch collections. ONE OF CHICAGO’S LARGEST SINGLE. MALT. SCOTCH. COLLECTIONS. Are you paying attention?

Do you know where cinnamon comes from??

We wound around the Gold Coast and up into Old Town on Wells until we arrived at The Spice House. Now this was an intriguing stop and I don’t even cook. I mean, I use my Calphalon saucepan as a back-up bowl for when I forget to run the dishwasher. But this place was pretty inspirational in piquing my cooking interest. They house any spice you can think of (all ground and blended on-site) and then some and the prices are fabulous. We also got to learn a whole lot about cinnamon and eat bark that tastes like Big Red. Awesome.

Old Town Oil was next on the map. I wasn’t really looking forward to this one. What exactly is so exciting about tasting….oil? Blech. Then the tour guide Jen, who was friggen awesome, whipped up some sort of concoction and shot it back. SHOT. IT. BACK. Oil shooters! Sounds gross….tastes awesome. You’d be surprised at the different combinations you can create and just how tasty they can be. Another quaint yet profound Old Town staple that piqued my interest enough that I considered using my oven for something other than a spare attic.

That is a giant 10 lb bar of chocolate you are looking at, foo.

Fudge Pot. I don’t even know what to say about this place other than that I was surrounded by surreal chocolate shapes and statues and bars. At one point I was standing next to a melting pot containing 90 lbs of melted chocolate. 90 POUNDS!!! Are these people nuts?! The entire tour is worth it, if only for this one stop.

We took a nice little stroll down Wells to get to the next location, which was Catering | Chocolate. You’d think “Wait, two chocolate places in a row??” But no. This was actually a catering business that handles some fairly high-end clients. They’ve catered for names like Bill Clinton and Obama and catering is where they make the majority of their profit. Where they also bring in the dough (you know you loved that pun, stfu) is from their walk-in business at this particular location. We sampled the hummus and it tingled my taste buds from my tongue down to my toes. In other words, I liked it so much that I just used random alliteration like a creepy nut job. You need to try it.

The final stop was Bacino’s Pizzeria on Lincoln, very close to my place. I critically injured the piece of stuffed pizza with spinach we were served and finished it in about 1.34 minutes. Despite its close location to my abode, I had never been. I will be back and they may or may not need the Jaws of Life to unhinge my jaws of death from whatever delicious nom they place in front of me.

I really cannot say enough awesome things about this tour. I was oblivious to the fact that this kind of thing existed until @ChiFoodPlanet DM’d me on Twitter and asked me if I’d be interested in going on a free tour (+guest) and writing about my experience. Why would I turn something like that down? I brought my friend Thomas along for some photography backup and we went. We ate. We cried. Then we ate some more. And in all honesty, I can say that I will be signing up for the other tour they offer in the Bucktown/Wicker Park neighborhoods. It’s more than worth the 42 bucks and you get a healthy helping of history and information about this fabulous city in addition to some really great food.

Ooh ooh ooh! One last thing before I forget – Jen, our food tour guide, was fantastic. She spoke with authority on the history and background of every spot and was an energetic ball of fun. If there’s one thing that can make or break a tour, it’s the guide and ours happened to be magnificent.

Citibank Causes Twoutrage

If you currently hold a Citibank credit card, you have likely received the letter that starts off something like this: “We are making changes to your account terms.”

In other words: “We are stripping you down to nothing, bending you over, and shoving both fists up your ass until our thumbs come out your nose.”

The letter points out that “in order to continue providing credit,” they need to jack their APR to 29.99%, regardless of how responsible you have been with your credit in the past. That means there are people who are jumping from rates like 8.25% to 29.99%. That would be OVER TRIPLE the rate. And for what? So Citibank can get those TARP loans payed back and start shoving their pockets full of our hard-earned cash once again.

I recently came across this article from ABC7 regarding  a specific instance where a woman accepted a temporary promotional rate, only to have her rate jacked up to 29.99% at the end of the promotional period. Upon being contacted by ABC, Citibank noted that the expiration of her promotional rate happened to coincide with a “broader increase in Citibank’s credit card rates.” The following statement was issued:

“We have adjusted pricing and card terms for some customers as part of our regular account reviews. This is an ongoing process to ensure we offer terms, interest rates, credit lines and products based on individual needs and risk profiles. These changes also reflect the dramatically-higher cost of doing business in our industry.”

It’s amusing to me to see how the social media universe is reacting to this and the Twitterverse in particular has been avidly outspoken. Also interesting is the official Citibank representative on Twitter and his responses (or lack thereof) to this outrage.

I recently had an issue with Bank of America regarding a blocked transaction, which eventually was resolved. It was IMPOSSIBLE for me to resolve the situation via their automated customer service line; however, their Twitter rep (@BofA_Help) reached out to me in a personalized manner and made sure that the appropriate individuals were put in contact with me to fix the issue. While I was beyond outraged with the automated C.S. line, I must admit that @BofA_Help was efficient and effective. Bank of America is obviously onto something with how they are choosing to utilize social media.

Citibank, on the other hand, needs to reevaluate how they are addressing customer service issues on social media sites like Twitter. I took a screen shot of some complaints aired on Twitter within a two-hour period yesterday (see below). In looking at how @askciti handled these complaints, his responses are wanting. It appears most people are getting a canned tweet that goes something like: “@personwearepillagingtopayourfatcatexecs   Saw ur tweet, re: the change in terms. If it would help, our cust. serv team may have sum options or can answer ?s 866-565-7030.”

My guess is that they are expecting kudos for being on Twitter at all and actually “responding” to people. It’s a shame that their “responses” are about as helpful as Bank of America’s automated C.S. line – an aimless shot in the dark. If @askciti wanted to provide true value  to customers, they would be conversing with people, not talking at.

Hopefully, Citibank will learn the same hard lesson that other banks are beginning to learn, and that is the fact that social media is giving people a platform with which to speak out – And they’re using it.

One last thing. Does anyone find it disturbing that the Twitter rep for Citi (@askciti) has the word “Punish” in his last name? Coincidence? Fat (cat) chance.

Another source on the topic:

Glendale News Press

Wilde Night is Calling

Two nights ago, I was graciously treated to Wilde by @scootmang after a seemingly endless day of dilly-dallying on the phone with Bank of America. I won’t get into that issue as it has since been resolved, thanks to @BofA_Help (NO thanks to the customer service reps on their 1-800 line). Needless to say,  I needed to take my blood pressure down a notch or seven and the outrageously delicious comfort food I shoved down my gullet at Wilde did the trick.

“Mom, the meatloaf!……FUCK!” is pretty much what came out of my mouth when I tasted the juicy, plump goodness of this wad of meat. After tasting this bite of @scootmang’s meal, which was generously smothered in creamy mashed potatoes, I immediately regretted my order decision of the Whole Wheat Spaghetti.

That’s not to say the spaghetti was bad. Nay, it was a perfect blend of  tomato (my favorite), Crimini mushrooms and roasted peppers. The garlic was wanting, though I generally chew on cloves of garlic for breakfast, so it was probably just right. Overall, the dish was delicious, but it was no match for the Roasted Meatloaf. FUCK!

Let’s fast-forward to dessert, where @scootmang and I consummated the dinner table. Chocolate. Molten. Cake. “Rich warm chocolate flowing from the center with a scoop of Peanut Butter Vanilla Swirl ice cream and fresh whipped cream.” They were out of the Peanut Butter Vanilla Swirl ice cream  so we settled for plain Vanilla, which subsequently decreased the magnitude of my oral orgasm from a 9.999999998 to a 9.999999997. Thankfully, @scootmang revived me so I could finish that bottle of wine.

What’s more about this joint is that it’s ideal for escaping the frigid Chicago nights. The walls were adorned with fall foliage and seasonal lights – what I thought was the perfect ambience. The fireplace definitely kept the place warm and dimly lit and the stained glass dome ceilings nicely complemented the tone. It is, by far, the most inviting, cozy restaurant I have ever set foot in. Not to mention the urge to commit a triple homicide subsided almost instantaneously after stepping inside.

I will likely return to grab a swig (or vase) of Jameson on the rocks. Lucky for me, there are two bar areas, though I’ve heard that the place tends to get packed on weekends after 8 p.m.

Overall, it was a delectable treat and definitely a place I will be returning to the next time a corporate giant induces a homicidal rage inside of me that can only be calmed by good old-fashioned home cooking. And an entire bottle of wine.

See what urbanspoon says.

I Bring in Quality Traffic

Could You SharePoint Me in the Right Direction?

There is a new phenomenon in the deep dark depths of the IT creeper world that is forcing it’s way into the mainstream with Hurricane Katrina force..

Ok, I kid. But really, this SharePoint obession has gone too far. People are coming up with ShareSushi and SharePint and ShareLove (don’t even want to know what kind of sick f*ck swingers shit these people have going on).

In light of this recent trend, I’ve come up with some neat ideas of my own:

SharePong – This is apparently why 90% of this country’s college population will come home with a) Swine flu b) Mono or c) the Herp for the holidays. Tis the season!

SharePot – Half of you people are stoners anyways. I don’t know how the hell else you can focus on code for 15 f*cking hours a day.

ShareSoap – Just don’t drop it…

ShareShop – No, really. All I see IT people in is polos with random company logos and khakis. Can we regroup and establish a new nerd trend?

SharePoop – Self-explanatory, though I’m fairly certain two girls beat me to the punch on this one…

Top Five Reasons to Invest in Individual-Size Wine Bags

In case you haven’t heard, not only does Target sell wine cubes, they sell wine cubes filled with individually wrapped bags of wine. They almost resemble juice boxes (which, of course, rhymes with doucheboxes). Makes me wanna pop a straw in one like it’s a Capri Sun and suck it down as I peruse the aisles of Target for Swiffer refills and Flaming Hot Cheetos. Don’t judge.

In light of this recent discovery, I’ve composed a list. Welcome to the Top Five Reasons to Invest in Individual-Size Wine Bags:

5. They look like juice boxes. You can finally ditch your “wino” rep and become the “healthy one” in your group. “Oh look, Kim has been sipping juice all day long. Think of all those vitamins and nutrients she must be getting.” When you pass out naked and sobbing to an episode of The Wiggles, you can just tell people Vitamin C has a bad reaction with your anxiety meds.

4. They’re portable. Bottles are so last season. Besides, you can’t shove a bottle in your pocket to take with on your blind date, who turns out to be the acne-ridden little brother of the assh*le who cheated on you with your sister 3 months ago, so that you can do a wine-bong in the bathroom.

3.  Stocking stuffers! Sure, a bottle of wine fits nicely into a stocking but leaves room for nothing else. You can fit at least two wine bags plus numerous mini bottles of Bacardi and Smirnoff in one of those things.

2. BYOB. Bring your own bag. Tell that swanky restaurant to take its corking fee and shove it.

1. They put the best stuff in the bags anyways. (hint: click the link)

Hold up, Imma let you finish Rio, but Chicago is THE BEST CITY OF ALL TIME!!!!

Yea…it’s like that.

Da Beers!

It would be fair to say that yesterday was a success. The Ditka outfits were an instant hit with our fellow patrons, the event organizer and a really life-like Ditka lookalike. We made it from 2 until 8 pm, at which time I hoovered two hot dogs and passed out on top of Scoot’s cat. Turns out cats don’t like wen da hoomans cuddal. Either that or the gashes across my face are love scratches. Hooray!

Rise hits the (g-) spot

For anyone who has not yet been to Rise Sushi on Southport, I recommend it like Kanye recommends Beyonce’s video. I was there a few weeks ago with the ladies and had a mouth orgasm so strong I swear my martini glass shattered. The Mexican Maki, Rise Spicy Maki and if I remember correctly (after two ‘tinis – the Pomegranate and the Peach Mango something or other), the Chef’s Roll were more than enough for the three of us and hit my oral G-spot more than once.

The Chef’s Roll: Tempura ebi, cucumber, and spicy mayo topped with seared baby tuna and ginger dressing

Rise Spicy Maki: Namasake, avocado, cilantro, tomato, and spicy mayo rolled with seaweed on the outside

Mexican Maki: Hamachi, avocado, cilantro, jalapeño, and spicy mayo rolled with seaweed on the outside and garnished with a wedge of lime

In addition to the delectable selection of sushi from which to choose, patrons also enjoy a stream of morons dallying on Southport (depending on the time as well as seating area). Justin’s lies kitty-corner to the restaurant, providing an endless cycle of shitshows. It’s like dinner and a movie.

I definitely recommend Rise but am interested to see what rocks your mouth, so take the poll below plz. Also check out how urbanspoon.com rates some of the city’s best sushi spots.

Name Your Sushi Stomping Grounds

(polls)